Career or Family: A Story of One Decision

This summer, I faced one of my most difficult career decisions. I decided to quit my job to spend more time with my family. Sometimes I still can’t believe that it happened. I worked as an art teacher at a local nursery school. I got to make up my own curriculum, study art history, inspire others. I got to put children’s artwork on a wall and make short films about the classwork. It seemed to me that nothing could be better than living my long term dream of teaching art to kids and then… I looked at my own kids. I took a look around the house. I looked in my husband’s eyes and I realized that my family needs me so much to stay home and be a housewife.

Housewife? No way! I can not do it. Not again! It’s too hard. I won’t stay home and wash the dishes, do the laundry, sweep the floor and make food all day. I can’t. It’s too hard. It’s hard to be alone while the kids are in school, without the friendly staff cheering me up, without the adorable students looking into my eyes with awe. It’s hard not hearing “Mrs. Ilona” every once in a while. I want to stay “Mrs. Ilona.” May I please? But I can’t. I am a mom. I am a wife. And to add to that I am a Jewish mom and a wife. I am who I am.

I love the library. Our local town library is the best. It organizes great events and I attend sometimes. Last fall, I found myself at a woman’s meeting where the group leader showed a TED talk called “Confessions of a Bad Feminist” and asked the participants comment on it. The talk was smart and inspiring. Roxanne Gay shared her own story and talked about the steps we could take to help women be more included in the workforce and decision making. The meeting started to come to life. Women started opening up. I felt that everyone at the meeting were empowered by feminism and I was… a really bad feminist, or rather a terrible one. All I could think to myself was that a woman in fact is different from a man, and there is no doubt about that. I raised my hand and said that out loud. I also added that some controversies in relationships are easier resolved if a woman is not trying to be equal to a man but remembers that she is created for a different purpose.

There I was, in a library conference room, just having confessed my opinion, with grown women looking at me in silence. I was fortunate they were a very polite group of women. They went easy on me. One of them smiled and said: “You know, a strong man likes a strong woman.” That is probably true and I spent a long time thinking about how to be strong and I came to a realization that the strength men need from us is not the same strength that they themselves possess. I think they need us to be different.

I come from a culture where staying home and taking care of family is no sacrifice. For many women in my circle it was a way of life. My roots go back to Georgia (Europe). I grew up wearing aprons sewn by my great grandmother, watching my grandma set the table for grandpa as he came home for lunch, participating in my aunt’s home theater, and seeing my mother prepare food for the next day as everyone else was getting ready for bed. I grew up among very strong women. Now I have kids of my own and, in this constantly changing world, I would love for them to remember their roots. They need to see beauty, not shame, in women who cook, women who sew, women who hang curtains, women who show their love to their hard working husbands by keeping the house clean, raising the kids, and having Shabbat dinner ready on the table.

Choices aren’t always easy. On one hand, I went to college and got an education. It would make perfect sense for me to go out there and pursue a career that I have a passion for. On the other hand, in the spirit of being a traditional Jewish woman, I am driven to stay home with the kids, prepare food and keep the mitzvoth for the well being of my family. I am fortunate that my husband supports me, providing me with an option to stay home. I am thinking about lowering my expectation of being a career woman and learning step by step how to balance my family life and my creative aspirations.

A movie called “Baby Boom” came out in the 80’s. It’s a story of a successful career woman who becomes a mom and moves to Vermont choosing country life over a city rat race. Growing up I always referred back to that movie. This brave woman stands in a corporate office and proudly declines a deal that would make her wealthier than ever in order to keep the life that she already has: a child, a man that she loves and a country home that her daughter is happy in.

Things change. Today children watch different movies. Disney Channel ran “The Teen Beach Movie” a few years ago where two teenagers magically travel into an oldie movie set and have adventures with children from the 60’s. In one of the scenes the modern day female character, Mack, tells a young lady from the 60’s that girls can do anything boys can. Anything. What a brave and beautiful concept. However, in what way will it influence children’s perception on relationships between men and women? To what extent are men and women really equal?

When I was in college I had to read a story by Charlotte Perkins Gilman called “The Yellow Wallpaper.” It’s a tale of a woman who stays home and with very little to fuel her inner resources gradually starts obsessing over the color and the pattern of the wallpaper in her room. Towards the end of the story she nervously strips the paper off the walls. At the time that I read the story, I was still single and I knew little about the ways of dealing with loneliness that comes with being homebound housewife. Luckily, today there are choices for women who need to be home. There are continuing education courses available, volunteer opportunities, library events and so on. It’s important to continue growing as a person when you are isolated from the workforce. That’s what Gilman’s character was missing. I find “The Yellow Wallpaper” to be a sad story. I wonder how I would feel about being a housewife had I read a different story instead, perhaps something called “The Well Balanced American Georgian Jewish Housewife.”

I am artistic. I like to draw, paint, write music. I hope my curiosity and motivation to learn new things will enrich my life and the life of those who love me. I am thankful to the universe for offering me an opportunity to see my kids more often and help them along the way.

 I want to be there for them, try new recipes with them, read them books, Illustrate fairy tales with them, and solve math puzzles. I want to be there for my kids as they fall in love, perform on stage in a school play, or just watch them as they are playing outside after school. I look forward to instilling in them more of what I’ve learned from my family. I want to teach them Georgian, do home theater and bake Challah. Here is my chance. Maybe that’s the kind of strength my husband and my kids need from me. It should be an interesting year.

There is no wallpaper on our walls. Instead, there are children’s drawings. We renew the artwork regularly to keep things interesting. Today taking care of my family is my job, and it’s the best one I’ve ever had.

In the future another job will likely add to that, and I am excited about the prospects. A woman has the right to work, pursue a career that inspires her, make money and feel confident but most importantly, a woman has the right to be a woman – a growing, passionate, loving woman. I am opening myself to what life has to offer. The universe is so beautiful and generous, and I am so thankful.

About the author and illustrator. Embraced by her parents’ touching love story, Ilona Bouzoukachvili likes to think of herself as of “a child of a great romance.” She grew up in Moscow and Georgia (Europe) among her loving family and friends. Her childhood was warm, bright, and adventurous. She came to New York as a teenager. In college Ilona studied English and American Literature. One of her favorite things to do was writing her own stories and reading them to her friends. After working for a publishing house and seeing beautiful book jackets every day, Ilona was driven to study art and got a job as a children’s graphic designer. Ilona pursued her studies in graphic design, fine arts and illustration before and after her children were born. In recent years, inspired by her kids and their friends, Ilona became interested in teaching. She taught art to nursery school students and organized artistic projects for children. One of Ilona’s hobbies is singing and songwriting. She enjoys performing for both large audiences and small groups of close friends.  She also loves reading, hiking, and spending time with her family. Ilona’s artwork will be displayed at an art show in the Ridgewood Public Library during the month of March 2018. Please visit Ilona’s website at pinkelefantart.com or connect to her through her Facebook page.