As I travel the globe speaking with primarily women’s groups about the current state of workplace gender equity, I encounter mixed messages. Although most people agree that things are better than a decade or two ago, how much is that really saying? Yes, women are getting hired and promoted more than ever before, yet at the same time the price they pay for equity remains higher than that of their male counterparts. They have yet to gain entrance in any significant numbers into the “glass treehouse” where power really lies. And they are expected to play by different rules if they want to have any chance at all of winning the game. Are women really being included more in the higher echelons of business, or is it an illusion of inclusion?
The problem is further obfuscated by micro-inequities – small events that often fly under the radar screen for both men and women, but when combined have a deleterious impact on women. These micro-inequities have replaced more obvious behaviors as businesses and social expectations have clamped down on blatant discrimination. A hiring manager might no longer say out loud, “She just got married and soon she’ll be having kids” (the implication being she won’t be a good return on investment if hired). Yet it’s still socially acceptable to hold business meetings in places like New Orleans during Mardi Gras where male members of a team throw and catch beads from scantily clad women while the women on the team cover their discomfort with fake smiles as they try to fit in (or at least not stand out).
Other examples of micro-inequities include checking e-mails on a mobile device during a meeting when women speak, but not when men speak; taking more questions from men than from women; and forgetting a woman’s name or position more often than that of a man. Small? Sure. But when you add them up and experience them over time, they create a thinly and barely perceptible veil of exclusion. They keep men in control and women feeling not quite equal. Woe is the woman who dares to bring up a micro-inequity. She will be made to feel as if she is being petty (at best) and crazy (at worst).
Make no mistake about it. Power and control, whether in the workplace or the world, remain firmly grasped with the hands of white men. And men, consciously or otherwise, act to ensure it remains that way. As women attempt to shift the balance of power, men redouble their efforts to keep it a closed system. The 2016 election in the United States provides perfect grist for this mill. Hillary Clinton, the first woman to ever be nominated for what arguably might be the most powerful position in the world, is detested by many not only for her failings, but for simply being a woman who thinks she is actually qualified for such a position.
Sady Doyle, writing for Quartz, uses the headline, “America loves women like Hillary Clinton–as long as they’re not asking for a promotion.” Otherwise, how do you reconcile the fact that when she stepped down from her role as Secretary of State in 2013, her approval rating was 67% and now, as she runs for President, approximately 57% of American don’t trust her? Doyle’s answer is, “Her public approval plummets whenever she applies for a new position. Then it soars when she gets the job. The wild difference between the way we talk about Clinton when she campaigns and the way we talk about her when she’s in office can’t be explained as ordinary political mud-slinging. Rather, the predictable swings of public opinion reveal Americans’ continued prejudice against women caught in the act of asking for power.”
And it’s not just the United States where we see this particular political phenomenon. Australia’s first female Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, was similarly plagued by sexism that was not even subtle. It led to her now famous “misogyny speech” in October, 2012. Less than a year later she was forced out of office. Melanie Fernandez, national chair of Australia’s Women’s Electoral Lobby, believes Gillard’s treatment has “punctured the myth that we’re living in a post-feminist society”.
So, let’s assume I’m right about all of this. The strides women have made in not only workplace gender equity but in being treated as equal in other aspects of our lives are illusory in reality. What do we do individually and collectively? We can bemoan the fact that we haven’t really “come a long way baby” or we can decide to at least be in control of our own lives, even if we don’t want to intentionally carry the flag for others. In truth, when you stand up for yourself, you stand up for all women. Each of us acting individually over time moves the needle for everyone. It’s the butterfly effect. Let me give you some ideas for how you can do this.
- Stop asking permission. A woman I recently coached shared the story of asking her boss if she could bring a few key members of her team to an off-site. The boss declined her request, yet when she arrived at the off-site her male peers had key members of their teams present. When she asked them how they managed to get approval they replied that they never asked permission in the first place. They just brought the team members along. The next year she did the same and no one said a word. Women ask permission. Men ask forgiveness. If the direction in which you are going represents a major change in policy or precedent, or a major expenditure, you might want to inform in advance, but don’t ask permission.
- Sit at the table. Literally and figuratively. Don’t skip meetings – particularly those that will give you exposure to senior executives – because you think they’re a waste of time. This is where you market your professional brand and gain access to important information. If you’re not currently invited to such meetings, make a business case for why you should be and the value that you would add. Once at the meeting, sit next to the most powerful person in the room, never in a seat on the periphery. Too often I see women leave the seats at the table for the people they think should sit in them. If you don’t believe you belong at the table why should anyone else?
- Learn to negotiate. The rules are different for how men and women must negotiate. After years of believing they are thought of as greedy or needy if they ask for too much, new research proves this true. Does it mean you shouldn’t ask? No! It means you have to learn how to ask. Negotiation expert Carol Frohlinger explains that women are more likely to achieve their goals when they engage in “mutual gains negotiation” than when they make demands. Case in point is a young woman who recently called to ask me for advice on how to negotiate a starting salary at a new job. She was offered $68,000, which she thought was way too low. She wanted $90,000, which I thought was way too high. Nonetheless, we came up with a plan where she would ask for a “total compensation package” of $90,000. This might include tuition assistance, bonuses, car allowance, etc. Much to my own surprise, they came back and offered her a salary of $83,000. This is a good example of those who ask for more, and ask in the right way, get more.
- Manage your brand. We are all brands in the workplace. Just like product brands, there’s a word on the street about you that can make you or break you. People buy brands that they know, trust, that have some cache, and that have been marketed well. You can decide what you want that word to be and consciously create it – if you don’t, someone will decide it for you and it may not be the brand that you want. Start by writing down a sentence that describes what you want people to say about you when you leave the room. Something like, “There goes a woman who is really sharp, you can trust, and is great to work with.” Whatever you want people to say. Then think about the behaviors you have to engage in for people to actually say it. “Really sharp” might mean you come to every meeting prepared, circulate articles of common interest, or respond quickly to requests. “You can trust” typically means you deliver as promised and keep confidences. And “great to work with” involves exhibiting high emotional intelligence – you listen, care about others, and treat others with respect. People see what you want them to see. Don’t leave it to chance or hope that they get it.
- Join or Start a Women’s Affinity Group. Savvy companies know that they have to do more than just pay a good salary and benefits to retain employees. That’s why many of them, including Frito-Lay, Nestle, Goldman Sachs, MasterCard, Morgan Stanley, and Wolverine, to name a few, have implemented what are commonly referred to as Affinity Groups or Employee Resource Groups. These are groups of people in the workplace that share common challenges. They meet regularly to offer one another support, learn best practices, and hear guest speakers. Find out if your company has one and if so, join. If not, get one started. Be someone who actively supports the growth and progress of not only her own career, but the careers of others as well. Remember, what you give away, comes back to you multi-fold when you least expect it and most need it.
In the end, no amount of social change takes the place of you being in charge of your own life and your own career. No one will ever take better care of you than you will take care of yourself, provided you make the decision to be the captain of your ship and not merely a passenger along for the ride. You have a responsibility to not only yourself, but also to your daughters and other women to leave the workplace and the world more hospitable than you found it. You can do it. The choice is yours. For a little inspiration I encourage you to watch the short video I made, I Just Wanna See You Be Brave.
About the author. Lois P. Frankel, Ph.D. is a highly sought-after keynote speaker, President of Corporate Coaching International and the author of the bestselling business bible for women, Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office. You can learn more about her or contact her through her website www.drloisfrankel.com.